1. Eleven survivors of a sunken ship, ten men and one woman,
were clinging to a rope hanging under a hovering helicopter .
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
agreed that one of them had to jump off, because otherwise
they were all going to fall and probably drown in the ocean.
They weren’t able to decide who’d make the sacrifice, until
the woman gave a very moving speech. She said that she
would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,
she’s been used to giving up everything for her husband
and the kids, or for men in general, and she was used to
making sacrifices with little thanks in return. As soon as
she finished her speech, all the men started clapping…….
SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE
HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY OR TOMORROW…
2.
Puns for Intellectuals
1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said,
“Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.”
2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes.
They called it the herd shot round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star.
The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much– and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments.
The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse.
He couldn’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named “Ahmal.”
The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named “Juan”.
Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
He replies, ” They’re twins for Pete’s sake!! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!!”
9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments.
Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished.
A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down.
The Friars refused.
So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars’ shop,
beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn’t close, he’d be back.
Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms.
This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath.
This made him…. what?
a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
3.
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis – 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes – a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
Purina DietYesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on
this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn’t have a
dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me.
I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an
Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard!
Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!
5.”Under the Bed Fear”
John went to a psychiatrist: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?” John asked warily.
“Each visit is $150,” replied the doctor.
“Well, I’ll sleep on it.”
Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: “Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?”
“Well, one hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!”
“Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
