I love when I can learn things from others and I thought why not post them here: The text is from material I’ve writien and the suggstions are given by other writers on how I can improve. As I improve my craft, why not have readers of this blog come along for the ride. Heeee Hawwwww

I have joined a web site where writers critique each other’s work and I find many comments very valuable. Some of these recommendations may be obvious to many… I’m still learning. I sometime joke that I would be a great author if my writing wouldn’t get in the way.

A verses The
text:
“Don’t weasel out on me, cub,” Tarrant countered as they had reached to the collection of rocks higher up the water fall. “Underground they won’t help at all. We’ll use the moons’ light to help us climb out of the well. Stop fretting, your mom will never know and Uncle Maken will never have the chance to report us to Constable Trenny.”
Suggestion:
“the collection,” should be “a collection,” because the indicates a specific collection of rocks. For readers to know which collection of rocks, the rocks have to have been mentioned prior.

Pacing:
Text:
Tar ran to the water’s edge and with a yell, threw himself in. Water went everywhere, drenching Klair and making him gasp from the cold. Before he could change his mind, he made his own flying leap and went under coming up gasping from the frigid water. The lamps had only been temporarily dunked and their tight seals maintained their flames as the two of them held them up above the water.
suggestion:
Before he could change his mind, he made his own flying leap. He came up gasping on the opposite bank.
Text:
“Earthquake,” he murmured as he grabbed his pillow and rolled off his bed to the tiled floor to lie next to the mattress.
Suggestion:
When you put a complex action sequence – like grabbing a pillow, rolling off the bed, and lying next to a matress on the tiled floor – into a subordinate clause (“as he…”) you rob it of some of its urgency. That stuff should go in its own sentence, or maybe even more than one sentence. Besides, could he really do all that stuff in the time it takes him to murmur “Earthquake”?
I realize they go down the river but consider how this moves things along. I feel like the prose gets stuck sometimes on a bunch of small actions which slows down the pacing.

Punctuation:
text:
He lay there as several minutes passed without incident. He stood up and started for the hall. His parents were up stairs, I’d better check—
Suggestion:
— dashs used in dialogue only. The thoughts are suppose to be in ellispes ….
Personal Pronoun:
text:
The small cave on the opposite side barely fit the two of them and their equipment. Tarrant finally give the signal for the two lanterns to be lit. They were of very high quality that miner Scov normally used for his work in Merrsain’s mines. He had given them to his mother. They were the closest thing to water proof light.
suggestion:
There are also a couple of other issues. One is pronoun identification. The pronoun generally refers to the last-named character of the same gender (possessive excepted). So who gave them to his mother? Tarrant or Miner Scov.

General comments:

Web site and book recommendations:
www.fiction-writers-mentor.com/punctuating-dialogue.html